The only shopping task I hate more than shopping for jeans is shopping for bathing suits. I’m sure you will agree with me. If you don’t agree because you happen look great in all jeans or all bathing suits, I don’t want to hear about it. And we can no longer be friends. Just to let you know.
First there is the size 00 salesclerk who tries to convince me to buy something called “Dangerously Low Cut” jeans… Does she not see the wrinkles on my face? Does she not see my generous backside, the likes of which those dangerous jeans won’t even go half way to covering?
“Here’s an idea,” suggests 00. (I suspect that this may be more than just her size; possibly it’s also her IQ) “These will stretch to fit anyone.” Is it just me, or did that sound vaguely insulting? I don’t think salesclerks work on commission anymore, because if they do, 00 will also be this girl’s income.
Anyway, she hands me a pair of “Jeggings” … the hideous cross over garment that can’t decide if it’s a pair of jeans or a pair of leggings.
Let me explain my body type. Basically, I look exactly like a super model. A super model in the House of Mirrors at the Fun Fair who is standing in front of the mirror that makes her look half her natural height and twice her natural width and wobbly around the edges.
Now imagine that body type in jeggings. Actually, you don’t have to imagine… just go look at some sausage links and you will have all the visual you need to help you understand why I elect to shun the jegging.
Next I am offered boot cut jeans that look like all the jeans I’ve owned for the past decade. Probably a safe bet, but I am looking to spice up my wardrobe a little bit, or at least move it towards the new millennium.
“How about a straight leg?” I venture.
A thorough investigation of the many cuts on offer (Dangerously Low Cut Skinny, Low Cut Skinny, Dangerously Low Cut Slim, Low Cut Slim, Dangerously Low Cut Slim Bootleg, Anorexic Hip Bone Hugging Skinny, etc. – it is worse than trying to order a drink at Starbucks) reveals nothing that is classified as “straight”.
“How about these? They look good on EVERYONE!” suggests 00, holding up a pair of Low Cut But Not Offensively So Skinny Boy Cut Deep Indigo jeans. “And they’re on sale!”
Well! On sale. How can I not try them on at least?
The answer to that question is: I physically can’t try them on. I will never know if they would have looked as good on me as they did on EVERYONE, because I cannot get them on at all. It isn’t even that they are too short in the rise to cover my hind quarters, or that they are too slim in the leg for my post-adolescent thighs. The fact is, they are so “skinny” that I can’t even get my foot through the bottom of the leg opening without dislocating my ankle.
00 decides it is her personal mission to find me some up-dated jeans. She ferries pair after pair to the change room for me until I am surrounded by a sea of denim and riddled with indecision. Dark wash or whiskered? Contrast stitching or classic stitching? Rhinestones or embroidery? Wide leg trouser style or boyfriend jean?
Too many decisions. Too many jeans. Too much time in the change room. And by the way, about those change rooms… There’s just nothing like florescent lights for picking out the cellulite is there? Why don’t they use subtle mood lighting in change rooms if they really want to sell clothes… you know, the kind that make everyone look gorgeous… and tilt the mirrors so that you look taller and leaner…
The only decision I am capable of by the end of the experience is to go home and have a large glass of Malbec.
And I have just realized that coming home empty-handed just means I have to do it all over again!
I remember you as pretty skinny. My jean shopping experience, on the other hand, is pretty much what you've described. My advice: don't knock the boot cut! If you really are hippier (in body, not spirit) than I recall, there's nothing like the hip-minimizing effect of a good pair of boot cut jeans. BTW, I'm enjoying your blog!
ReplyDeleteThis is too funny....and now I know why I only shop for jeans every two years!
ReplyDeletei have been shopping for jeans with you... and if i recall, you were successful... after much trying on. you're right. the only thing worse than jeans is bathing suits, and both are hell on a girl's self-esteem. but, we go home and drink it off... and then we get right back out there because we know that somewhere we will find the jeans for us! good luck in your search.
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