Up Close and Personals



"His feet look really small.  What does that mean?
Should I be concerned?"



Everybody’s doing it.  Or not, as the case may be.  But chances are, if you have been single at any point in the last few years, you have probably at least flirted with online dating.  In fact, I know several committed couples who met each other on line and who are now married with kids or buying houses and investment plans together. 

I think online dating can be a great way to meet people.  It beats being thrown out of Loblaws for stalking fellow customers.  (This has not actually happened to me, of course. I just have an active imagination.  No, really.)

I have had several dates as a result of online dating, and the men I met were generally decent, normal guys.  Ok, there were also a couple socially stunted guys who were a little too fond of their video games, superheroes and Star Wars action figures.  But they were still nice enough guys. 

Did you know there are dating sites for every possible special interest?  For example Cougar Life is a site specifically tailored for older women looking to meet younger men.  Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby is where you can meet someone who is just dying to fund your Manolo Blahnik collection.  There are dating sites for every religion – and even for atheist singles, and sites for special interest groups.  And – I’m not making this up --there’s even a site particularly for Vegan Atheist Singles.  Now that sounds like a fun place to meet some one for a light-hearted evening!

Recently, a few women I know have been trawling the dating waters of a site for oldsters.  There really is no other way to put it.  I mean, the site calls itself “Senior People Date” or something like that. 

“Senior Meet Up” (or whatever it’s actually called – all I know is “senior” is in there) sounds like the name of a club for mall-walking retirees.  But, no.  It’s truly an online dating site for people over the age of forty.

Forty! WTF?  When did 40 suddenly become “senior”?  Last time I checked, 40 was the new 30.  I’ve even heard it called the new 25 by people who like to delude themselves even more than I do!  But if you think about it, these deluded types are only out by 15 years, whereas this website seems to be out by 25 years –  if you go by the age at which one may collect a pension and qualify for senior discounts!

I digress.

Witnessing the web-dating shenanigans of 50-something women was both entertaining AND educational.  I learned some strategies that I’ll definitely adopt the next time I make a foray into the online dating jungle.  Most importantly, I learned that in the modern dating game, it is essential to arm oneself with a sense of humour, a couple glasses of wine and a magnifying glass.

The need for a sense of humour is self explanatory once you start cruising through the profiles...  Otherwise the horrors of the shirtless, scrawny sixty-something bachelors with toothy (or is it denturey?) grins might send make you cancel your subscription and run off to the nearest cat shelter for companionship. 

(I only saw the profiles of the men, but I’m guessing that ridiculous profiles are an equal opportunity thing; likely there are also some terrifying profiles of women that have legions of men seeking refuge in their comic book collections.)

A glass of wine (or two)  can make the hours of scrolling through cheesy pick up lines more bearable… but at all costs avoid DD.  Drunken Dating can prompt you to send some truly squirm-worthy messages. 

These mails probably sound witty and fascinating to you in your alcohol induced haze.  But can you guarantee that the recipient of your brilliance will be equally blotto when reading your words?  It’s one thing to slobber, “I love you, man,” to friends who know and love you, even when you’re three sheets to the wind, but perfect strangers…. not so much.  Imperfect strangers, even less so.

As for the magnifying glass…  Well, I guess when your reading glasses aren’t quite what they used to be (to say nothing of your eyes), and the profile pictures were taken at 100 metres…..  I gently tried to suggest zooming the screen, but my advice was ignored.  In fact, an even bigger magnifying glass was purchased (though thankfully not a chain on which to wear it around the neck!)

Turns out the magnifying glass was quite helpful in highlighting small things like ear, nose and back hair, crossed eyes and wedding rings.  These were details that the models were no doubt hoping to hide by sprawling over the hood of their classic cars, showing off their trophy fish, kissing puppies or otherwise attempting to distract viewers.  I know it’s probably not fair to judge someone by their profile picture alone, but on the other hand, it is the picture they purposely chose to represent themselves…..

So, my advice for anyone surfing the singleton sites?  Do it with a martini in one hand and a magnifying glass in the other.  But most of all, keep your sense of humour close by and have fun!!!